I hadn’t driven for eleven months. Would I ever be able to drive again? It felt like my epilepsy journey—at least the driving part—came down to last Monday at 3pm. I would be interviewed by phone with a DMV official. Because I hadn’t had any seizures for four months, my doctor had put into motion the procedure for me to be able to drive again. He had told me originally, it might take three months or six months. And many people I talked to said they had friends who couldn’t drive for a year. Didn’t sound promising.
I had no idea what the DMV official would ask or how permission to drive again would be determined. I only knew I wanted to trust God. That morning, I texted, emailed, and requested personally that my praying friends would pray for me—that I would be able to be calm and communicate clearly the right answers to the questions. I tend to get flummoxed under pressure and my brain becomes paralyzed under stress. I wanted to be able to communicate clearly.
All morning, I used the truth that “even if…” “Even if I’m not able to drive, God knows what He’s doing.” “Even if my driving is delayed, God knows His plan.” Even if…” reminded me of God’s sovereignty and that He knew the best thing for me and those around me—even if it meant Larry would have to continue “Driving Miss Kathy.”
The magic time came. I knew everyone was praying. I felt calm with tinges of tension. And the interview began with Ms. Bibbs. She asked me questions about what had happened and the dates the different seizures occured. That’s when the difficulties started. The doctor had written down on his reports different dates than I had. Then I couldn’t remember the different medicines I was taking. I heeded Larry’s advice to not go on and on with explanations—which is my tendency. I tried to just give the facts, ma’m. Fifteen minutes later, we said goodbye and I couldn’t tell from her voice how she received what I’d said. “You’ll receive a letter from us within seven to ten business days. Good bye.”
It was over. I wanted to be hopeful but I kept thinking of how I should have explained that fact more or I should have thought of the name of that medicine. What should I have done when she said the doctor’s records were at odds with my comments? And I knew I was right! How could the doctors’ records show I had the grand mal seizure fifteen days before I actually did–and which I had written down on my DMV report!
I tried to trust God’s sovereignty, yet, throughout the rest of the day I rehearsed different things of the converation. “But God is in control,” I reminded myself.
That night I went to sleep quickly but then woke up and was awake for over an hour. The words I did say to Ms. Bibbs and the words I should have said rumbled through my mind like a roller coaster riding by on a track. I quoted scripture, I rehearsed truth, but peace didn’t come. I was reminded again that I’m the “second-guessing” queen.
The next morning, I still felt burdened when I headed out for my walk before dawn. As I enjoyed the stars and the full moon, I kept praying and thinking, thinking and praying. “God, what’s going on here? I’m feeling so burdened. I know all the truths but I can’t seem to make them real or something.”
I knew Satan was flinging his flaming missiles at me and I rebuked him. That helped. Then the most amazing thought came to my mind. “If I did it wrong, then when God fulfills His plan, whatever that is, He will get even more glory because it’s not based on me doing it right.”
Of course, I wanted to believe that being given permission to drive would show God had done it beyond my abilities. But I knew there wasn’t any guarantee that was His desired plan.
In that moment, I realized that I was believing a lie I hadn’t been aware of before. I was thinking that the fulfillment of His plan and Him receiving glory was dependent upon me doing it “right.” Me saying the right things! But then, I realized, that makes it all about me–not God!
And then a challenge came in a different aspect. I’d asked many people to pray for me for His power to think clearly and speak clearly. When I gave a “report,” I admit I stressed the part of doing well. After all, how could I say I’d blown it? Wouldn’t that sound like God hadn’t come through?
The truth is I hadn’t completely been without stress and tension and my mind was somewhat confused and I didn’t know what to explain and what not to—at least in my after-event evaluation.
But again, wouldn’t God be primarily glorified through whatever He allows and the strength He gives me to surrender to whatever He allows in His sovereignty?
God’s peace finally came. On Tuesday, I knew God had decided what Ms. Bibbs would decide and it was already determined–for His will and glory regardless of what I did or didn’t do. I committed the “event” to him and even though my hindsight evaluations felt negative, I asked for God to guide me and He did—whether I agree with His guidance.
Now it’s Friday and here’s my update!
I just received the official DMV letter and I can drive! I only have to have my doctor report on my condition every four months for a year.
I really must admit I had quite a tussle with Satan’s flaming missiles after the DMV interview. Even though I was calm, I, the second-guessing queen, kept thinking I should have, could have, would have.… answered better if….
Maybe you know the story. It wasn’t until I rebuked Satan and surrendered to “even if I didn’t do it right, then God will get more glory if He chooses to allow me to drive because He influenced the DMV official, I didn’t.”
Well, He did it because I sure didn’t.
Well, anyway, that’s my story–His story of glory–and I’m sticking to it.