I’m sorry I’ve been absent but ministry life has been wonderfully busy. So I’m back and delighted to offer this month’s book giveaway in a fabulous, practical, and encouraging book, 12 Ways to Experience More With Your Husband by Cindi McMenamin.
Read below how you can put your name in to win an autographed copy from Cindi. UPDATE: The winner of Cindi’s book is Cathi. Congratulations to Cathi!
Four Ways to Close the Communication Gap with Your Husband
By Cindi McMenamin
One of the most common complaints I hear from wives – even those who have been married for decades – is that their husbands fail to communicate with them.
But I’ve learned through the years (three decades of marriage, in fact) that a communication gap, which often results in emotional distance between the two of you, is often something that can be remedied on our end with a little bit of grace and know-how.
Have you found yourself thinking – or verbalizing to a friend – the following frustrations?
- I don’t know how to talk to my husband without him becoming defensive.
- I’ve tried everything, he just won’t talk to me.
- No matter what I say it comes out wrong. Is it me or is it him?
Whether you’ve thought or said those things or heard other women say them, that gap – which can leave a husband and wife feeling isolated from one another – is more serious than you may realize.
A lack of communication is now the No. 1 cause for divorce in America. Just a decade ago it was adultery, but today failing to communicate, communicating poorly, or just letting the emotional gap widen between a husband and wife can be most fatal to marriages.
Eliminating the communication gap is essential to experiencing more in your marriage. That is the primary reason I wrote my newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband. You and I can be experiencing more trust, more passion, and yes, more communication with our husbands when we understand what motivates them, as well as what wounds them.
For years, my husband (Hugh) and I struggled with this communication gap because of our many differences. He is an introvert. I am an extrovert. He came from a family that stuffed and stifled their feelings. I came from a family that verbally over-communicated their feelings. To this day, Hugh will readily admit he is not the communicator in our marriage. I am. But just because I’m a writer, speaker, and therefore a communicator by profession, does not necessarily mean I communicate well with him. In fact, because I know how to communicate in general I figured I had it made when I got married. I was so wrong.
Through the years my husband and I have both had to figure out how to communicate well with each other.
We did that by developing an awareness of what was causing us to close off from one another. And get this. We weren’t even aware that we were reacting to one another out of unresolved issues in our lives.
Reacting Out of Our Pain
A counselor friend of mine shared with me that it is human nature for couples to react to one another out of their pain.Certain words or situations will trigger pain in us and we end up reacting defensively. It’s natural, then, to filter our life’s experiences through that grid of pain and sometimes end up seeing our spouse – rather than an unhealed issue in our lives – as the problem.
Here are some ways to identify and let God heal the issues so you can better communicate and close the gap with your husband:
- Realize the deeper core wound that is driving the problem or argument. When you and I first understand our own pain and insecurities and then develop a greater understanding of what causes our husbands’ pain, we can work to better communicate and reconnect. Instead of thinking my spouse is just an angry man, say “I had no idea that my husband struggled so much with feeling he was not succeeding in the relationship.” What we focus on grows. If we focus on what our husbands are doing wrong, that will grow. If we focus on the fact that he’s a good guy that will heighten our awareness to see that.
- Resist the urge to be defensive, accusative, or angry at your husband’s words, actions, or responses. People who hurt, hurt people. When your husband lashes out or says something unkind, it’s possible he is feeling lashed out against. Be open and curious. Tell yourself, “My husband is a good man, he is loving and is maybe acting like a jerk right now, but what is going on inside of him?” Practice Ephesians 4:29 and make sure, even in the heat of the moment, that you don’t let “any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (NIV).
- Reject the lies that get you off course and create division between you and your spouse. Your husband’s wounds aren’t the only ones in the picture. Us wives get triggered by a situation or by certain words and then we believe our lie: I am alone. I am devalued. I’m not appreciated. I’m not respected. We end up responding to our husbands because we believe a lie that doesn’t have anything to do with them.
- Receive the truth of who you are in Christ. Once you receive the truth that you are not alone, you are valuable in Christ’s eyes, and you are deeply loved by God, you can be more emotionally regulated and attuned to your husband. John 8:32 tells us “Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”
Instead of getting anxious, withdrawing from, or lecturing your husband when you feel hurt, you can remember the One who has redeemed your life and say “I realize when you said this I felt devalued and started to shut down, but now I realize I am valued in Christ and I can choose to be connected and get close to you.”
Each of us has to feel emotionally safe in order to start moving toward the other person to close the gap. Our only safety is in our relationship with Jesus. When we understand who we are in His eyes and we feel safe in Him, we can feel safe with others, too. And then we can start actively closing that communication gap.
Which of these steps do you find is the most challenging?
Thank you, Cindi, for sharing with us. To enter the drawing for Cindi’s book, leave any comment on my blog. I will draw the winner on November 22, 2019 and notify the winner. (U.S. mailing residents only please). THE WINNER IS CATHI AND THE DRAWING IS CLOSED.
Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and author of 17 books who helps women strengthen their relationship with God and others. She has been married 30 years to Hugh, a pastor and introvert, who shared his insights in her newest book, 12 Ways to Experience More with Your Husband, as well as her other books on marriage: When a Woman Inspires Her Husband and When Couples Walk Together: 31 Days to a Closer Connection. For more on her ministry and discounts on her resources to strengthen your soul, marriage, and parenting, see her website:www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.
Thanks for the review, look forward to reading this.
Thanks, Christina, for reading and leaving a comment.
Hi Christina, I know you will appreciate this book whether you win it or purchase it. I’ve put you into the drawing.
Hello, Kathy! Thanks so much for sharing this information. It is easy to feel hurt when we focus on ourselves. Eph 4:29 is such a great verse. I need to write it out and meditate on it.
Please put my name in for the drawing. 😊
Hi Joy. Yes, truly, Ephesians 4:29 is so important. How wonderful to know our Creator always communicates rightly and truthfully, even if we can’t always completely understand. God bless you and I’ve put you in the drawing.
Welcome back Ms. Kathy. We’re glad you’ve been busy changing lives, but we’ve missed you. 🙂
Thank you, J.D., for your encouragement and participation. It really means a lot to me. I’ve put you into the drawing. Blessings to you!
“..we feel safe in Him, we can feel safe in others, too”. True talk. I am sure the book will be a blessing to the unmarried as well.
Hi Meghan, While my book is specifically for wives in how they can experience more with their husbands, some of the principles about better communication and letting God heal our wounds instead of expecting our spouse or others to do that, can be applied to any relationship, including those of unmarried women. Thanks for reading and commenting.
Good point, Meghan. Good communication is for everyone, married or not. Thanks for seeing how Cindi’s wise words can be applied to all of life. I’ve put you into the drawing.
I think it’s rather sad that so many marriages are failing because of communication. I am finding it a little more challenging with hearing loss as we age. I’m sure Cindy has something to say about that.
Penelope, While I didn’t address physical hearing loss in this book (My husband and I aren’t there yet), I do believe that “loss of hearing” can start early in a marriage as we tend to stop really listening to our spouses after a while. Or, we might hear selectively — hearing what we want to hear, or hearing something ELSE because of how we’ve been hurt in the past. In that case, depending on God to be our filter and our liaison is our best hope.
Hi Penny, I sure relate to that. It’s crazy how many times I think I know what Larry said and yet find out I misheard and misunderstand. And he misunderstands my words and intentions–even after almost 50 years married! Just another opportunity to grow closer to Jesus who never misunderstands us and looks into the motives and intentions of our hearts. Thanks for entering the drawing!
Hands down #2!!!! “Resist the urge to be defensive, accusative, or angry at your husband’s words, actions, or responses.”
Great post!
Thanks, Nicci, for reading and taking the time to let me know which one of those steps resonated with you. 🙂
Thank you, Nicci, for reading the post and sharing about #2. It is indeed so important. I’m glad you are participating in the book giveaway. Blessings to you!
I would love to read your book and I’m going to check out your website.
Cathi, thanks so much for stopping by and entering the drawing. And I’m glad you are going to check out Cindi’s website. You will be blessed.
Congratulations, Cathi! You are the winner of the drawing. I will connect you with Cindi. I’m so happy for you and trust the Lord will use Cindi’s book mightily in your life. For we authors, we always appreciate the reviews that are written on on-line book stores. Please consider that after reading Cindi’s book. Thanks again for entering the drawing!
Hello Cindi thank you for sharing I would love to be a winner this book would be a blessing to have .
Thanks for entering the drawing, Elena. God bless you!
Wow! This sounds amazing!! I want it even if i don’t win!!
Renee, great idea. I hope you will purchase it if you don’t win. Thanks for stopping by.
What a wonderful book! I would LOVE to read it. I’ve been struggling with this very thing for years, and we’re going on 14 years now. As a social worker, I know a lot about effective communication strategies, but knowing about them vs. doing them is so much harder in a marriage relationship, especially when your spouse communicates differently than you (or not at all). So I’ll take any help I can get. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Amy, thanks so much for stopping by. You’ve brought out a very good point. We can know truth and can apply godly ideas elsewhere but with the most important person in the world–our spouse–it’s a lot harder. I wonder if it’s that there is so much more risk when we are dependent upon our spouse’s opinion of our value we think we can expect from them. How wonderful as we learn God is our real source of our worth and value. Sure puts less pressure on ourselves to expect they will provide it and less pressure on our spouse that they have the capability of providing it. They are not God! I’d love to hear your further ideas, along with any of my readers. Thanks for putting your name into the drawing.
You mean, I’m not the only one who learns “second hand” (or third) of plans my husband has made??? LOL. This look like a valuable marriage “tool”. 😁
Thanks for letting all of us know, April, that just about any response is common “to us all” –just like temptation. I’ve put your name into the drawing!
“Resist the urge to be defensive, accusative, or angry at your husband’s words, actions, or responses.”
Oh my yes yes yes!!!!
Nicci, I think that one is the hardest for most of us. We take it personally as if the tone or words say something about my worth and value. For instance, if Larry says, “What were you thinking when you did that?” My filter says, “He thinks I’m stupid.” Which is one of my childhood lies. Of course, he just wants to inquire and then help me, but I take it as if he’s making a statement about me. Ahhhh, understanding these things makes it easier–but not non-existent–to resist thinking he wants me to feel stupid. So thank you Nicci for pointing us to this and I’ve put your name into the drawing.
Thanks for such wonderful giveaway. Someone will definitely be blessed with this.
Thank you, Patti, for entering the drawing and stopping by to gain valuable wisdom from Cindi.
My most challenging step is learning not to be defensive when I perceive that my husband’s tone is negative. I’ve learned to give him grace and understand his communication style simply differs from mine.
Karen, as you can see from the other comments, this indeed is the most frequent “hook.” Thanks for sharing so that we all can maybe take encouragement we are not alone. I’ve put you into the drawing.
Thank you for sharing all of this! After 45 years of marriage, in some ways we are communicating and getting along with each other better than ever, but are still struggling in a few areas that could destroy our marriage if we let it. It is extremely difficult and I have felt there was something in the past that was causing us to have such a horrible time with these few subjects, but didn’t know where to get help. Hopefully I will win this book and get the help we need, or at least the help I need to know my part in this. Thanks again for all you shared!!
Talva, thanks so much for taking the time and effort to comment and share. Larry and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary this coming June and sometimes I wonder if we’ve learned anything at all over the years. But I think God is revealing deeper layers of hurt from the past, especially our childhoods, that need to be addressed. So I hope hearing the other comments especially from those of us married a long time will give us all encouragement and strength. God’s call to greater sanctification never ends. Thanks for entering the drawing.
Hello Cindy. After reading about your book I find myself in the awkward position of desperately needing this information. After 50 years Of marriage i need help to communicate with my husband. Senior age is not always easy or fun I want to make these last years the best! Thank you
Hi Linda, welcome to my blog. Along with several of us who have commented because we have been married a long time and still lack communication skills (or success), our hearts go out to you. I do think similarly to what you’re saying, our diminishing lack of brain comprehension and emotional strength can affect our relationship and marriage. Thanks for participating in the drawing.
my most challenging step is to not be so defensive in disagreements
Hi Danielle. Unfortunately, as you’ve read in the comments, that’s a touchy one for most of us. I’m glad Cindi has the wisdom to write about it. Thanks for putting your name into the drawing.
Sounds like a great book with lots of practical ways to “be present” in various relationships, not just with our husband.
Miss you, Kathy!
Hi Karyn! I miss you very much. I’m so glad you put your name into the drawing. I think you are right that the inspiration, encouragement, and instruction Cindi offers can be applied to every relationship. Bless you!
Your book sounds like the gift of good advice from a friend, whom we can turn to anytime and keeps us connected to, and pointed towards the word of God. I look forward to reading it in the future. Thank you for emailing the promotion.
Jennifer, thank you so much for characterizing the way Cindi communicates, because you are right. Cindi writes as if we are her friends and she cares about us very much. Thanks for entering the drawing!