Danger! You May Be Using Absolute Words More Than You Realize

Have you ever said things like:

• I’ll never get angry again
• I’ll always show love toward that person who is unlovable
• I’ll never be discontent again
• I’ll always be joyful in every circumstance
• I’ll have my devotions every day for an hour

What becomes even more dangerous is when we don’t realize we are thinking in absolute terms because we aren’t actually using “all of nothing” words, like “always, never, all the time, all.”

For instance. When I was seriously unhappy with Larry many years ago (yes, I actually did sincerely pray God would cause the plane he was flying to crash!), my thoughts were, “Larry doesn’t help at home.” I didn’t realize what my heart was actually believing was, “Larry never helps at home.” Was that true? No. My “absolute thinking” fed my evidence for justifying being hateful, angry, discontented, and disobedient to God.

Without identifying it early on, it was easy to think that such blaming would bring happiness to our marriage. I would change him by expecting perfection. Crazy, eh? TWEET THAT!!!!!

This kind of absolute thinking–all or nothing thinking and talking–seemed to help me ignore my imperfections. It was all Larry’s fault and “when he shapes up and does the right thing, I can be the wife God wants me to be.” And of course, I expected Larry to fulfill my expectations perfectly.

I did not have God’s perspective as I was expecting perfection from others when I excused my own imperfections.

We may think that God demands such “absolute” commitments. But have you noticed that when we can’t follow through, we get discouraged and give up? Or when others fail us, we are angry, ungracious, unforgiving and even mean-spirited? We believe God has given up on us also and has lost hope for changing our imperfect relationships and lives.

The good news is that God is more patient than we think. And His patience allows us to grow in our sanctification “little by little.” He’s not impatient with us when it takes us time to overcome our struggles. And He wants to empower us to have the same realistic expectations and grace for others.

I Timothy 4:15 tells us that. It says, “Take pains with these things; be absorbed in them, so that your progress will be evident to all.” Vine’s Dictionary says the word Greek word “progress” is the idea of a pioneer cutting his way through the brushwood.

How does the pioneer do that? Little by little. He doesn’t have a mile-wide ax to cut down a swath big enough for building his house in a day. Instead, he takes one step and takes one chop in the brushwood with his ax. He progresses one step and chop at a time.

That’s the kind of “progress” the Apostle Paul is encouraging Timothy to have. Step by step. Chop by chop. Little by little.

One of the principles I write about and speak about to give the biblical perspective of this is what I call “The 1% Principle.” Instead of expecting or trying to make plans for 100% perfection or have absolute expectations of others, we make small goals—like 1% growth.

So let’s apply that to the goals we wanted to make above.

• I’ll never get angry again becomes I’ll concentrate on the time of day I often get angry and make changes that will support patience.
• I’ll always show love toward that person who is unlovable becomes I’ll find one thing I actually like about them.
• I’ll never be discontent again becomes I’ll find one thing to be satisfied about right now.
• I’ll always be joyful in every circumstance becomes I’ll find one thing to appreciate right now.
• I’ll have my devotions every day becomes I’ll have my devotions three times this week.

And in our relationships with others, we need to notice and give credit to the small progress God is making in others.

Such thinking in the power of the Holy Spirit enables us to make more progress because we’ll be persistent rather than get discouraged and give up.

As God was dealing with me about my perfectionistic, all or nothing thinking, I began making progress and appreciating Larry’s efforts. One evening I returned from a speaking engagement and Larry grinned as he led me into the kitchen. When I’d left, the kitchen was a mess but now the dishes were all cleaned up and Larry could not have been more proud. As I thanked him and gave him a big hug, I looked over his shoulder and noticed the counter had not been wiped off.

Now everyone knows you aren’t technically finished doing “all” the dishes until the counter is wiped off. Right?

As I was about to point out the obvious, I remembered God leading me to be grateful for even 1% progress. And what Larry had done was way more than 1%!

Instead of pointing out what he hadn’t done, I thanked him again for the great job he had done.

The following evening I returned from another speaking engagement and guess what? Larry had cleaned up the dishes again.

Here’s my question: would Larry have done the dishes the second night if I’d complained about what he hadn’t done the first night?

Most likely not!!

Reaching a 1% goal encourages us and empowers us to continue trusting in God for the progress He desires. And we’ll give Him the glory for the progress we’re making rather than pour contempt on ourselves because we haven’t reached perfection. We can also be grateful for what others are doing–to whatever degree they can.

What 1% goal does God want you to make? I believe you’ll make greater progress that way than forming unrealistic expectations.

Just remember that pioneer’s ax when you think of concentrating on the imperfections of yourself and others. Pay attention to both the words and the attitudes behind your words that feed using words like “all, never, all the time, and always.” Maybe you can even think of other “absolute” words you are using or “all or nothing” attitudes you have.

What 1% goal can you work on this week?

If you’d like to learn more about this topic, check out my book, “Pure Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory.”