I’m Dependable. Why Could That Be Wrong?
Dependability is a great quality. But for me, it can be wrong because of my motive. Am I motivated by self-protection or by trust in God?
That question can apply to any quality but if you are desiring to live more powerfully with the goal of giving God glory, this post is for you!
But why is it so hard to get rid of the habits that block living for God’s glory and not ourselves?
Moments after I was molested as an eight-year-old, I thought, “Kathy, you should have prevented that. You are a dirty little girl.” Of course, the message was a lie, but I believed it was true. I never told anyone what happened. My heart sat for years in the agony of shame, vowing to protect myself from experiencing another incident of emotional pain. I learned to be hyper-vigilant, constantly evaluating the behavior and feelings of others to determine whether they had destructive motives toward me. My goal was to make sure no one touched me inappropriately again.
When I was in third grade, about the same time as the molestation, I said something mean to a classmate and several students heard me. They called to our teacher, Mrs. Leighton, and she came over. Mrs. Leighton was my Princess in Shining Armor. I was her Teacher’s Pet. I could do no wrong, and she favored me. I felt special and important.
When the students reported what I’d said, Mrs. Leighton asked me with a worried look on her face, “Kathy, did you say that?” To keep my favored status, I replied, “No, Mrs. Leighton.” Mrs. Leighton walked away with a satisfied look on her face.
I knew I’d lied and hated the feeling of being a liar—and everyone knowing I was. If I’d known about being able to ask Jesus to forgive me, I could have thrown off the heavy mantle of condemntion. I didn’t.
Without knowing what I was doing, I formed a self-protective strategy of dependability.
The way to make sure no one knows I’m a liar and shameful is to always be dependable.
When I was ten years old, I sat with a group of my relatives and loved hearing the bantering back and forth. My Aunt Nita suddenly commented, “Oh, look at Kathy. Isn’t she sitting so nicely, just like a poised young lady?” Oh my! A flood of approval swept over me. I certainly wasn’t dirty and a liar in that moment. The praise felt so good to my thirsty, guilty soul. I added another layer of dependability dressed up as self-control: be poised. Hopefully someone will compliment me and I’ll feel good about myself.
My layers of compulsive dependability were formed by many other experiences. If I didn’t keep a promise, I felt exposed. I was terrified of being identified as dirty, a liar, imperfect, or discourteous. The solution in my young brain produced people-pleasing, worry, and other habits that excluded God’s glory.
You may not have had similar experiences or be motivated by the same strategies, but many of us find godly dependability to be a challenge in some area of life. Or any other “good” quality that is motivated by protecting our image instead of giving God glory.
Here are some ideas
- Choosing God’s glory over a need to be seen as dependable means recognizing to what degree it has a hold on you.
- Notice how you feel or what it seems like people are thinking about you when you aren’t dependable. Evaluate whether your thought is true or a lie.
- Surrender to being willing to be seen in a negative way. God may actually be more glorified and He can use everything.
- Live in the truth that God knows your heart and sees you through the lens of Jesus’s righteousness as His saved child.
in what ways do you relate to the topic of dependability? Maybe you don’t feel a wrong desire to be seen as dependable. I hope so!
Or share with us how you keep the desire for being seen as dependable in a healthy, godly way?
(If you’d like to read more about this topic, check out my book Pure-Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory.)
The felt need to always be dependable only leads to me getting hurt. Others realizing how dependable I am quickly learning how to use that to their advantage. That opens the door to be used as a doormat. Oh, Teresa will always be there, you can always count on her, Teresa will never let me down etc. But when I need others to return that to me, I am left standing in the dark alone. Also wearing dependable like a badge of honor gives others an assumption that I am ok if they are not dependable for me, or I will just let it slide and immediately forgive them for not returning the favor of being dependable to me. BUT heres the thing. My felt need to be dependable has the motive of what I hope to receive by being dependable and that’s friends, buddies etc. There is a lie that if I am dependable than people will like me, want to include me, want to be my friend. But it never works out that way.
Teresa, Thank you so very much for sharing your heart with me and my readers. So many of us feel exactly like you. Hugs.
Kathy,
I own several of your books. I have the book Why do I put so much pressure on myself and others in my Amazon cart.
Will this new book also be available on Amazon soon?
Love all your books hope to buy them all at some point.
Thank you for your teachings!
I always feel responsible for everything. Even if something happens to someone else I care about. I grew up with a parent that was alway sick and as a young child was taking on lots of tasks.
Mona.
Hi Mona, I’m so sorry that I somehow didn’t see this. Thank you so much for your encouraging words and your question about buying “Pure Hearted.” I’m glad you have “Why Do I Put So Much Pressure on Myself and Others?” in your Amazon cart. I know it will really help you in not feeling responsible for everything and everyone. I relate! You are not alone but I can say after God working on my heart, the demand is lessened. I know He wants to do the same thing for you.
As for the book I mentioned in the blog post “Pure Hearted,” it is available also on Amazon at: https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Hearted-Blessings-Living-Gods-Glory/dp/1946638420/ I hope you’ll consider getting that also.
I’m so grateful we can interact here. God bless you, dear sister in Christ.
Such terrible things Ms. Kathy. I think they’ve left indelible marks upon many souls ma’am. A bit different from a little boy’s perspective, but the results the same. For me, I learned that being dependable was very different from being dependent. And for too many years, I too believed I could depend upon no one but me. The reality was that God had always wanted me to be dependent upon Him. In learning that, I learned there was someplace safe I could turn and not be ashamed of who this world told me I was. I was, after all, a “King’s kid.” God’s blessings precious sister.
JD that’s a good clarification: dependable or dependent. And especially dependent on the Lord. It’s all about who==or what==is our Lord. Thank you.