God’s Heart for Your Marriage

I’m so excited to announce the publication of my newest book and another book in my “Daughters of the King Bible Study Series.” Obviously, it’s about marriage!

“God’s Heart for Your Marriage” is a Bible study offering commentary, questions, and my signature “Letter from God.” It is appropriate for individual or group study. The questions refer to both Scripture and practical application. Here are the 10 lessons:

Many newly married women see in their husbands an opportunity for endless conversation. In contrast, men often marry to stop courting—and stop talking (without realizing it). These two cross-purposes can quickly result in disappointment and bitterness.

Every bride and groom enter marriage with expectations in every area. The expectations about communicating are especially fraught with active mine fields.

CLICK TO TWEET Most often, the new couple doesn’t understand to what degree their own family upbringing and God’s design for male/female differences are influencing their communication style.

A woman believes communication is a vehicle for heart exchange. She wants her beloved to listen attentively and for as long as she needs to feel heard and understood. A man tends to want to quickly fix his wife’s dilemma and share facts and figures. God created these opposites for his purposes. If a wife and husband can see God’s design and incorporate his wisdom into their daily lives, their relationship will be more solid.

1. Before you were married, what were your expectations regarding conversation? In your early marriage? Now?

• What is your definition of good basic communication between anyone?
• What is your definition of good communication between a husband and wife?
• What are the elements of good, clear, open communication in your viewpoint?

Let’s now examine a biblical couple, Isaac and Rebekah. They could easily claim their spouse didn’t know how to communicate since they not only met in an unique way but came from different backgrounds. As far as we know, Rebekah’s family members were not Jehovah-worshipers. But Isaac grew up as a Jehovah-worshiper because he is the son of Abraham and Sarah and the predicted child who fulfills God’s promise of a son who would be in the line of the coming Messiah. Rebekah was a distant relative, the great-niece of Abraham and sister of Laban. Tradition says her grandfather, Nahor, is Abraham’s brother.

2. Read Genesis 24. Summarize how Rebekah and Isaac were brought together for marriage.

• What kind of person does Rebekah seem to you?
• Even though their marriage was arranged by others, and were strangers when they met, how did Isaac feel about Rebekah (v. 67)?
• What need did Rebekah fulfill for Isaac (v. 67)?

God in his sovereignty brings together every husband and wife, just like Isaac and Rebekah, for his unique sanctification plan.

For instance, after the honeymoon we may think, “What I loved about the way my husband communicated with me before the wedding is now really irritating.” These initial discoveries are only the beginning of God working to help the newlyweds understand their spouse can’t be their total source; only God can be.

Rebekah and Isaac married with few expectations. We could say they couldn’t be disappointed. Their culture molded clear definitions of their roles with few variations. Yet Rebekah became dissatisfied with aspects of their relationship, especially about her husband’s responses to their children (Genesis 25:27-28). Both were not trusting God.

Just as Isaac and Rebekah suffered consequences from not trusting God, all of us face the same kind of challenges. Thankfully, God wants to empower us to become more content with our marriages. All of us can grow in releasing our expectations as we are more confident God will provide our true needs. Even if our husband cannot fulfill our need for conversation, God listens, cares, and can provide a female friend to meet the need.

3. Rebekah and Isaac may have done a lot of talking to get to know each other after their wedding. Do you think the culture of that day encouraged expectations of great emotional intimacy from talking?

• How does our current culture contribute to unrealistic expectations about a couple’s need or ability to communicate intimately?
• Do you think our culture communicates the importance of intimacy through communication?

4. Compare Genesis 26:7-9 and Genesis 20:2-18. What similar weaknesses did Isaac and his father, Abraham, have?

• What similar responses did Rebekah and Sarah have in those situations?
• Do you agree or disagree with their responses? Why?
• How would a “helper” (Genesis 2:18) assist her husband best during such situations?

We don’t know if Rebekah made any effort to discuss this situation with Isaac. We do know from Genesis 26:8 they did have interaction together, even laughing together. What a fascinating and confusing juxtaposition of examples of their relationship. We might even think, “How could Rebekah possibly be laughing with her husband when he has put her in a horribly dangerous situation?” Like Sarah, Rebekah must be deeply trusting God.

Just as Isaac repeated the sinful self-protective strategy of lying used by his father, you can understand the sinful tendencies of your husband by learning about his parents’ struggles.

Understanding those influences can help you resist expecting quick and permanent change. You must be patient knowing you are not perfect either.

Another aspect of knowing your spouse’s history is recognizing how his family’s communication styles are different than your family’s. There are good and bad responses in your husband’s patterns and in your family. Recognize what is good and give him credit. Don’t think your family’s style is superior.

Always remember God’s purpose in connecting you and your husband, as different as you are, is for your growth and increased dependence upon God.

5. How does Genesis 25:27-28 describe different perspectives between Isaac and Rebekah? Do you think Isaac and Rebekah talked about how they each had a favorite son?

• What did Isaac and Rebekah agree on (26:34-35)?
• So far in what you’ve read, do you think this couple had good communication?
• Can you identify similar constructive and destructive patterns in your marriage?

6. Read Genesis 27:1-28:10. After Rebekah heard Isaac’s instruction to Esau (27:5-6), what should she have done?

• Why do you think Rebekah chose manipulation instead of open communication?
• Have you ever made that same choice? If so, what happened?
• Are there any circumstances you can think of when you would choose Rebekah’s path?

7. What obstacles do you think might have kept Rebekah from talking to Isaac about his disobedience to God?

• Have you ever found the same obstacles preventing you from communicating with your husband?
• Were you able to overcome any of them? If so, how? If not, why not?

8. How does Rebekah’s choice reflect a lack of trust in God (25:23)

• How does trusting God enable you to express disapproval of your mate’s behavior in godly ways?
• How does speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15) relate to that?
• What consequences did Rebekah suffer because of her deceit (28:10) and how did God discipline Jacob (29:21-25)?

Because of Rebekah’s plan to deceive her husband and force God’s plan to occur in her own power, there was strife between Esau and Jacob (27:41-46). Rebekah feared Esau would kill her favorite son. She told Jacob to flee to her brother’s home, expecting a short separation. Then instead of wisely suggesting to Isaac their son should leave the area, she subtly suggested (v. 46) he shouldn’t remain because they would be miserable if Jacob married a Hittite woman. Isaac seems to think it was his idea for Jacob to go to Laban’s house and sends Jacob away (Genesis 28:1-5). We can almost imagine Rebekah’s victorious smirk. She had manipulated things again instead of honestly offering wisdom.

9. What experiences and/or struggles have you and your husband faced that have been easier to handle because you had good communication? Or more difficult to face because of poor communication?

• What have you found effective in encouraging your husband to talk with you?
• What have you found to be ineffective?

When Isaac prayed for Rebekah to become pregnant (Genesis 25:21), we don’t know if Isaac prayed over her or with her. Most wives consider praying with their husbands within their definition of intimate conversation. They also include wanting him to initiate prayer together.

A wife is usually more motivated than her husband to desire time together praying, having a devotional time, and discussing spiritual topics. God designed women to value relationship, therefore, spiritual activity feels like building up their relationship.

Men may not value such interaction as much because they don’t see something to be solved. Adding to the problem, a wife can feel more insecure if she doesn’t think her husband is seeking God through spiritual disciplines like prayer and Bible study. She concludes her own well-being is less secure. In her fear, she may not trust God enough to believe he is still in charge.

Unfortunately, because of a woman’s ability to talk more freely and profusely, her prayers might seem more spiritual. A man often feels intimidated by his wife’s abundance of words. As a result, he often is less likely to initiate spiritual interaction. A wife can easily become frustrated further diminishing her husband’s desire for spiritual connection.

If your marriage is in this downward cycle, trust God, knowing he can work in your husband according to his will. You are not alone. Most women desire more spiritual communication. Your own private prayer and personal Bible study are your best responses.

At God’s prompting, you might ask your husband a question like, “When we pray together, what do you like best?”

Most important, express your desires calmly without accusation. If given the opportunity to pray as a couple, choose fewer words. Share how meaningful any spiritual interaction is to you. Also resist complaining to other women about your husband’s spiritual inadequacies. Believe God is using your disappointment for your growth in trusting him by resisting ungodly responses.

10. Sometimes wives shut down their husband’s deep sharing with inappropriate reactions. Check any of these you’ve done in the past.

• _____Yelling
• _____Frowning
• _____Rolling your eyes
• _____Asking, “Why would you feel that way?”
• _____Saying, “I can’t believe you think that.”
• _____Not supporting his right to dream big
• _____Being dissatisfied with the level of sharing he gives
• _____Telling him to think realistically

A. For each one you checked, can you identify why you react in that way?

B. How might your reactions be harmful to your marriage and his willingness to share?

C. Have you ever asked your husband’s forgiveness for your unloving responses?

D. Sometimes a wife is supposed to act as her husband’s “reality check.” How can a wife do that gently and constructively?

11,  How do Proverbs 16:24 and 25:11 give insights for intimate conversation?

In Proverbs 16:24, the word “gracious” in the Hebrew is no‘am is also defined as pleasantness, favor, beauty, kindness, delightfulness. If a wife has trouble speaking in those terms, she should examine her heart for the source. Bitterness, resentment, childhood anger, unrealistic expectations, taking her husband’s behavior personally, jealousy, being offended, and other motives can fuel an inability to obey these two verses.

12. Of the following conflict confronting guidelines, what is easy and what is difficult for you? Use one of three choices for each one: never, always, often.

• _____No name calling
• _____No raised voice
• _____Right motives
• _____Firmness
• _____Want best for your husband
• _____Desire his repentance
• _____Not wish to hurt him
• _____No expectations of a particular response
• _____Willing to forgive
• _____Pick the best time
• _____Choose place with least distractions
• _____Prepare what you will say: write it out, practice it
• _____Eliminate unrealistic expectations
• _____Admit your wrongdoing
• _____Don’t exaggerate or threaten
• _____Stay on the issue; don’t drag in other issues
• _____Don’t use absolute words like never, always, all the time, every day, constantl

13. James 5:16 talks about confessing our own sins.

• Do you willingly acknowledge your part of a misunderstanding?
• How do you think your confession might encourage your husband to talk more freely?

14, Read James 3. What do the following verses say about words and how they are used?

• 2
• 5-6
• 10

15, What do the following verses, also from James 3, indicate are the characteristics of wise communication and/or the character of ineffective communication?

• 13
• 14
• 15-16
• 17

A. From the information given in James 3, what challenge do you find for your communication skills?

B. What specific step to do better will you incorporate this week?

Assuming your husband holds the same opinions and view points as you can increase destructive communication. Whenever your husband shares with you, especially on difficult topics, don’t think in terms of right or wrong, but as different. Different isn’t necessarily right or wrong. If you call your husband’s communication style wrong, then you are calling God’s design wrong. Although your husband could be responding hurtfully based on what he has experienced, the basic male perspective is not wrong. Separating the two can be helpful.

16, What do you think your body language and facial expressions communicate when you talk with your husband? (Consider asking him if you don’t know or are guessing.)

• What underlying feelings or emotions does your body language reveal?
• Are there any changes you should make in resolving or communicating those feelings?

17. In your communication, what should you strive for according to these verses?

• Proverbs 15:4
• Proverbs 15:23
• Proverbs 15:28
• Proverbs 19:13
• Proverbs 25:15
• Proverbs 26:18-19
• Ephesians 4:29
• Ephesians 4:31
• Place a checkmark next to the descriptive words you are strong in and circle the one(s) you are weak in.
• What one small goal can you concentrate on over the next week to diminish your weaknesses?

In Ephesians 4:29, the word “corrupt” (ESV and other versions) is the Greek word sapros meaning unwholesome, bad, rotten, worthless (literally and morally). In contrast, the phrase “building up” is oikodome. Metaphorically, it refers to the process of building a structure. The Apostle Paul frequently refers to how believers should “build up” their fellow believers (Romans 14:19; 15:2; I Corinthians 14:3, 5, 12, 26). If we can think of each of our words as either building up or tearing down the worth and value of our husband, we will be able to more often choose to speak the truth in love.

18. What further insights into communication do you find in these verses from Proverbs? Which one is most difficult for you to apply?

19. As you think of the ideas in this lesson, what one change in your communication skills will you concentrate on this week?

Taking even small steps may seem overwhelming but take heart. You are not fighting only one battle in order to win the war of better communication. Many battles on conflicting fronts with many contributing factors make the challenges seem overwhelming.

But God knows every godly strategy he will use to strengthen you, make you victorious, and bring glory to his name. He values your marriage as his representation of his body being the Bride and Jesus being the Bridegroom too much to lose the war.

My Precious Princess and Daughter,

I am an expert in communication. I gave my only Son to tell you how much I love you. Trust me. Follow my example.

I want your marriage to be a blessing and source of joy for you. I know your marriage isn’t perfect and I understand your frustrations. I made men and women different. And one of those differences is their level of desire for conversation and communication.

Be patient with your husband. He may never be able to express his feelings in the way you desire. He may have a completely different definition of love and not even know how to express his perspective, but I’m working in your relationship. Let me draw you closer to each other and to me.

In the meantime, these difficulties will draw you closer to me. Rest in my love. Let me meet your needs. Then clearly and concisely share your desires with your husband. Your trust in my ability to work in his life will open the door for better communication.

Rejoice and don’t discount small improvements when your communication with your husband is warm and open. This is my loving plan for you. I will deepen your intimacy even more.

Remember, too, the heart of your communication lies in our relationship—you and me. Stay close to my heart and be more confident of my good plans. Never forget I want only the best for you.

Lovingly,

Your Heavenly Father, the King