Why Do I Have a Hard Time Saying “No”? 
Do you relate? These thoughts create in me the fear about saying “no”…
-
What will she think of me if I’m not the Super Woman who can say “yes” to everything?
-
If I don’t say “yes,” then I’ll miss out on the fun!
-
If I don’t say “yes,” the opportunity won’t get done to my standards!
-
If I don’t say “yes,” they might not ask me the next time.
-
It feels good to be needed.
-
(Put in your own reasoning).
The difficulty of saying “no” is all about depending upon the opinions of others for our approval, rather than God. We fear making other people unhappy with us or think poorly of us. So we strive to do everything we can to appease other people and promote ourselves as important, valuable, or whatever vow we’ve made to promote or protect ourselves. That striving indicates that person or goal is our idol: the person or goal is more important than God.
In the Bible, there are many examples of those who made other people more important than God in the Bible. The most known one may be when King Saul succumbed to this striving. His reaction is featured in 1 Samuel 13:8-14. Remember the story?
Saul was supposed to wait for Samuel to come so that the burnt offering could be given. The goal of the sacrifice was to depend upon God and look to him. But Saul saw the people scattering and he panicked. What did Saul fear that said about him? Did he fear being a failure in the eyes of the people? The fact they were leaving must have communicated their lack of trust in his ability to lead them to victory. All of us want to be seen as powerful, wise, and successful.
As Saul had his panic attack, he decided to offer the sacrifice before Samuel arrived. When Samuel showed up at the last minute, Saul knew he was in big trouble. Samuel asked, “What have you done?”
What was Saul’s reasoning? “When I saw that the people were scattering from me, and that you did not come within the days appointed, and that the Philistines had mustered at Michmash, I said, ‘Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the favor of the Lord.’ So I forced myself, and offered the burnt offering.” (Don’t you just love Saul saying, “I had to force myself”? He is making it sound like he didn’t really want to and was forced to. I sometimes fool myself that way. How about you?)
Samuel saw the folly of Saul’s reasoning and rebuked him. “…now your kingdom shall not continue. The Lord has sought out a man after his own heart, and the Lord has commanded him to be prince over his people, because you have not kept what the Lord commanded you.”
What was God looking for? A man after God’s own heart, but Saul’s heart was all about himself, the approval of others, his own image and how he was regarded by others.
Lay hold of God’s promise, “What can man do to me?” (Heb. 13:6). Even if someone approves of us, it will be a temporary and fragile approval. Usually it’s based on our performance and we won’t be able to sustain that perfectly. But God is the only one who will love us perfectly regardless of our performance. Only he can provide unconditional love and approval because of the “robe of righteousness” we wear because of Jesus’ redemptive death.
Have a heart after God by identifying the source of our reactions. We can only be strengthened to obey and have God’s perspective by identifying and healing the wounds that befall us that fueled our need for other people’s approval. For instance, you might have been shamed, physically hurt, or dismissed by harsh words when you expressed an opinion or went against what a family member wanted you to do. There are always underlying causes that factor in.
Want more help to learn to say “no” and discover the underlying causes of your people pleasing?
That’s one of the goals of my book Pure Hearted: The Blessings of Living Out God’s Glory. The more we want God’s glory the more we’ll choose to do what God wants us to do–not what other people want us to do. Will you join me in the quest for seeking God’s approval as our “audience of one”?
I’d love to hear from you how you have diminished having a hard time saying “no”. What truths empower you to be a woman after God’s own heart? TWEET THAT!!!!!
Not a woman here, and it may be quite different in my mind (Mars & Venus you know), but my family and I suffered many years until I learned to say “No.” Was it because I thought I had to be the center of my personal universe? Was it because I never wanted to disappoint those who thought enough of me to seek my help? Was it because my doing was an attempt to earn their respect, acceptance, or favor? In reality, I think a combination of all of the above. It wasn’t until I read how Jesus would leave the clamoring crowds behind and escape to a place of solitude that I began to understand an important life lesson. Once I’ve given all I have to give, the world will still want more. Only God can refill my cup; and that only when I am in His presence. Choosing where and what I pour out myself for means sometimes saying “no.” If we do it with love, then it becomes easier for us to accept our own “No” and it has become my trigger point to seek refilling. God’s blessings Ms. Kathy.
J.D., thank you so very much for commenting because I think both men and women can struggle with this tendency. It’s all about our heart and soul and every one has those! So thank you for giving me and our readers great insights to mull over and apply. I appreciate you.
Oh, I loved reading this post, Kathy! So full of grounded wisdom and an relatable issue. I just know for me, now at 76 years of age, and after many years of struggling with this issue, I am now a much healthier person who can say no and have peace. That is because I finally understand saying no does not mean I’m being mean. It is self care of our soul if that’s how we believe God would have us respond. It’s knowing that my strength and security comes from God who loves me and always has my good in mind.
Jen, isn’t it wonderful when we can recognize God’s growth within us? I rejoice with you and we can thank God together!
Thank you Kathy! The place that I have newly known, when trusting God with my decisions and motives, and not the opinions of others, is a deep breath peace.
Karen, I’m so glad you are finding peace in having a voice in a righteous way. I’m on the journey too, as you can tell.