I didn’t realize my beloved husband looked at driving differently than me. I learned women love the trip; men love the arrival. No wonder there’s tension traveling.
It was many years ago and I was so excited. It was our first vacation since our honeymoon. I was going to be with my beloved for three days, and I was looking forward to the five-hour drive on our first day…without interruptions, We could talk and talk. But Larry seemed strangely silent or else gave me one word replies.
I guess Larry must be intent on driving, so I’ll enjoy the scenery.
Several hours later of little conversation, I said as hunger nagged at me. “Aren’t we going to stop to eat?”
Larry’s response: “I thought we’d just eat the snacks you brought. That way we can get there sooner.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Larry, vacations are times to relax and enjoy your way as you go along.”
Larry’s response: “Honey, I want to get there before dark,” I responded. “Just pull out the chips, okay?” I turned my attention back to the road and immediately got lost in thought. I just loved driving my new sports car (even if it was “new” only to me). It just didn’t get better than this.
Something inside me died as my dreams and expectations of a leisurely drive with lots of conversation evaporated. I concluded Larry didn’t like being with me and I swallowed back tears.
My dreams of talking on our vacation evaporated. TWEET THAT!
Why does this happen so much? I agonized. Why am I constantly being disappointed and finding my opinions ignored?
Hours later we arrived at our destination but stayed for only two hours. Then it was off to Larry’s next scheduled driving goal. When we finally did stop at midnight to sleep, he insisted we get up at 5 A.M. to continue our trek. I had no idea our vacation would be one long, very long, driving spree!
Larry’s response: I couldn’t wait to get back in the car. I’d reached the first goal; now it was time to conquer the next one, just 290 miles away. The driving and arriving was the vacation I really enjoyed.
We laugh now about that first vacation but I didn’t laugh then. We had no idea we were facing only the first of many experiences showing us the contrasts between men and women–and our personality differences.
We laugh now about that first vacation but I didn’t laugh then. TWEET THAT!
Gary Smalley in his book The Joy of Committed Love writes, “I would venture to say that most marital difficulties center around one fact—men and women are TOTALLY different. The differences (emotional, mental, and physical) are so extreme that without a concentrated effort to understand them, it is nearly impossible to have a happy marriage.”
Later in the book, Smalley writes, “Watch what happens during many family vacations. He is challenged by the goal of driving 400 miles a day, while she wants to stop now and then to drink coffee and relax and relate. He thinks that’s a waste of time because it would interfere with his goal.”
Larry and I sure found that out on our first vacation and many since. Yet, now after more than 45 years of marriage, we’ve both learned to be more selfless and generous. Larry is much more open to hearing my preferences and honoring them. I am more open to allowing Larry to drive in peace. After all, I have my Kindle! But kidding aside, we do talk much more and to tell you the truth, sometimes Larry talks more than I do. Sometimes I’d rather read. Isn’t that a funny reversal?
These differences aren’t just for spouses. They can be for traveling companions, family member preferences, and other scenarios. Regardless of the situation, by understanding the person isn’t responding in order to show anything negative toward us, we can be more patient, kind, and selfless.
This really made me laugh! I have been married 14 years and have always wished that my husband could “enjoy the scenery” instead of being constantly focussed on the goal! My husband is SO goal focussed and an extremely responsible provider and protector of our family, that I feel quite guilty much of the time for my “irresponsible” and dreamy attitude to life! Sometimes when I think we have worked hard enough, I hide in the toilet to read! Even on a Sunday when we agree we will not look at work – we have to go for a walk otherwise he will start looking at e-mails or working or reading the paper and taking notes because it is relevant to his work! May God help us! (and he does).
I confess that I ask myself sometimes, if we seem so different how did we end up together? Well, we both loved God and we were both educated people, and fairly active. So that was a good start, and then God confirmed very directly, before I was married, that this was a good idea (another story)! In the first years of marriage however, I began to discover, with dismay, just how different we were in temperament and preferences. Once the initial fascination of being married died down, I wondered if we would ever enjoy just being together without constantly pulling in different directions. I suppose I have learned to accept our differences more, but there is still a long way to go.
He is an active relaxer – relaxation for him is going jogging, playing tennis, going for a walk – so I have tried to adjust myself – we bought a tent – we go camping with our 2 children who are very active boys. That is the best time we have together – taking a challenging walk, far from mobile phone masts, cooking marshmallows in the evening. We will make the most of it while the kids still want to be around us. I would like my husband to share with me some of the “artsy” things I enjoy but in the meantime I thank God for the fun we do have, and that my husband dauntlessly gets on with the things I would probably never get around to!
Tessa, you have a fabulous, gracious response to the challenges of marriage. And I’m glad my post made you laugh!!! Better that we laugh than my usual response–get angry! I’m also still learning to appreciate the differences marriage reveals. So thank you for sharing your life with me and my readers. I’m very confident many will be able to relate to your sharing. Thank you!